Dealing with heartbreak

“The quickest way to get over a man is to get under a new man” some say.
       

        I can’t really comment on how effective it is but theoretically it makes some sense. As with all things, I guess people are different hence have different ways of dealing. Now, heartbreak can be really rough, icky, draining, damaging, stressful, painful, gut-wrenching, depressing and you name it. At times though, I believe it can be clarifying, strengthening, help you re-organize your life, give you a sense of purpose, prepare you for the future, help you discover yourself, help you become a better you and help propel you to exactly where you need to be.

        As with a lot of people, I’ve been there before and it wasn’t pretty, AT ALL. You hear about so many coping mechanisms but at that point, I only found a few appealing. I had to take a little bit from here and there and add a little bit of mine to figure out how to cope in the best possible way for me. It wasn’t an easy journey but when I reflect on it, I’m quite happy with how I handled it, though I could have done better. I decided to share the steps I took as someone out there might find them useful.

1. Allow yourself go through it
     Feel it, every single aspect of it. Don’t try to suppress it, let it out, cry your eyes out if you’re the kind of person that cries easily. Allow the pain, bitterness, anger, hurt, frustration, sadness go through you. Let go of that feeling of shame, you really don’t have to put up a front for anyone. You may try to suppress your emotions and pretend like they don’t exist but you can only do so for so long. They’re bound to come out eventually so why not let them out as early as possible so you can move on faster?

2. Find an outlet
     People might not agree with this but one thing that really helped me was channeling my emotions into writing. Each time I felt angry or sad or bitter, I simply opened my laptop and typed out my heart in a series I titled “Letters to my ex”. Channel your emotions into writing. Pour out all your anger, hatred, bitterness, tell them how much you wish you could throw a brick on their head, tell them how much they hurt you, all the emotions they made you feel, insult the living daylight out of them if you feel like and do not hold yourself back. BUT, the gag is, you will NOT show the letter to them.
     It might not be for everybody but I highly recommend it because I found it very therapeutic. You can use a pen and paper instead, start a journal/diary, just do whatever makes you feel comfortable. It lifts a great portion of the heavy weight off your chest and allows you breathe a little easier. Your outlet doesn’t have to be writing though, it could be anything but please do not choose a violent means. Some people prefer to cause physical harm, destroy property, shatter windscreens, create public scenes and all that but I personally do not support that.
     After some time I started finding the letters funny. I would read them over again and laugh out my heart at how angry I was till it got to a point that I just deleted them as it was pointless holding on to them. If you write on a piece of paper, you can burn it afterwards. It’s very liberating.

3. Analyze everything
    Here comes a very difficult part. This is where you analyze everything from beginning to the end and take responsibility for the part you played, admit your faults and mistakes. It takes two to tango and the fault is hardly ever entirely on one person, be completely honest with yourself about your shortcomings and figure out how you could have handled things better.
   Another important thing is to check if there were any red flags from the beginning. People usually give signs/ indicators as to who they truly are. Red flags also show when things start going downhill as relationships don’t get destroyed in a day. We might not notice them, we might choose to ignore them but they are almost always there. Picking out the red flags could help serve as a pointer to some of the things to look out for before getting involved with someone else and help you identify incoming danger when you’re with someone else. Though, you should bear in mind that you could have a totally different crazy experience with another person.

4. Give yourself a break
     There’s that tendency to be angry at yourself for not knowing/ doing better or for staying in a toxic situation longer than you should have. You really need to be kind to yourself at this point because you can’t change the past.
    So therefore, indulge in activities that make you feel happy. Travel, get your nails done, hit the club, go and watch movies, gossip with your girls, make new friends, go shopping, try out new restaurants, pamper yourself, invest in your glow up. Don’t stay inside and cry all day, go out and have fun irrespective of how things ended. This life is only one oo, don’t kill yourself.

5. Work on yourself
     After analyzing how things went, you ought to have picked out your shortcomings. Work on them so you can become a better person. No one is born perfect and learning is a continuous process so you have to forgive yourself for not knowing what you did not know, heartbreaks don’t have to leave you damaged forever. Channel the energy you expend wallowing in self-pity into actively improving yourself as a person. Read self-help books, you can watch Youtube videos on relationships, self-love, finding your purpose, etc
     One book I found really helpful was “I married you not your family” by Linda Mintle. It sounds like a book for married people but when you read it, you’ll discover it’s useful for relationships in general ( I should do a review on this book sometime soon). Another useful book was “Who moved my cheese” by Dr. Spencer Johnson (this is useful for life lessons in general)
     Youtube videos I found helpful then were:
Lisa Nichols- Teach people how to treat you
Joanna Davilla- Skills for healthy romantic relationships
TD Jakes-Pursuit of purpose
Teal Swan-Priceless relationship advice
Esther Perel has a lot of videos in general centered on relationships. There are many videos on youtube. Pick the aspect you want to work on and find a suitable video.
       This whole process will help you understand yourself better and help you discover the root of some behavioral patterns you subconsciously follow. If you find out you keep accepting sub-par treatment from people and constantly find yourself in toxic situations, take some time to unpack your emotional baggage. If you don’t get to the root of a problem, you will most likely not be able to solve it. It might not be pretty at first but it’ll help give you greater self-awareness, hence greater self-acceptance and with self-acceptance comes more self-love.
      Heartbreaks have a tendency to affect your self-esteem. Irrespective of how perfect you think you are and how faultless you think you are in the grand scheme of things, do some work on yourself. It will help boost your self-esteem generally as a person and also give you more confidence when it comes to demanding better treatment from the next person/people you get with.
     

6. Find healthy distractions
     Look for things to keep you occupied, read a new book, learn a new skill, pick a new hobby, continue that project from where you abandoned it, start something you’ve been meaning to do for a while. Register for online courses, learn how to code, learn how to makeup, learn how to knit, learn how to bake, plant flowers, learn how to farm if you like. ANYTHING! Not only do they (temporarily) distract you from your feelings, you also tend to feel better with every little progress you make while learning them, thus boosting yout confidence. Make a list, if one thing doesn’t work out, move on to another one, something must surely click!

7. You need a good support system
     You need one or two people to talk to, cry to, complain to. I was really blessed to have a good support system then. They’d call me morning and evening just to ensure I had eaten, check up regularly, try to cheer me up, send me funny memes and all that. I don’t want to call names but you know yourselves, I love you guys.

8. Avoid your triggers
     Basically, avoid your ex and anything that reminds you of them or how things went down. Delete messages, delete their numbers, pictures, songs that remind you of them, block them everywhere, if you mistakenly unblock them, block them back, avoid all contact. Make a conscious effort to avoid them and if you cannot avoid them, limit interactions. A lot of people find it childish though but ask yourself “Is there any special prize for being a mature person”. If being a childish person makes you heal, go for it.
    You cannot heal in the same place you got sick so distance yourself, cut off the connection permanently if need be. If you’re so keen on remaining friends with your exes you can try later on but just take some time off to focus on yourself first.  To me, the period immediately after a heart break is not the right time to try to maintain a friendship with the person that hurt you, no matter how much they apologize. It will only slow down your healing process and make it more difficult to sever connections which you know deep down are not healthy for you.
      I want you to understand that you are not obliged to keep them in your life as having them around can trigger negative memories. You do not owe anyone forgiveness or a friendship especially when their presence in your life is detrimental to your mental health and general well-being. BUT, if you really want to maintain one, understand that it might take some work, apologies, probably a couple of fights and it will most likely not be a smooth transition.  I suggest you wait a couple of months at least if you want a healthy friendship with them.

9. Getting into a new relationship
       Before you get with someone else, you should have a clearer idea of what exactly you want and do not want. Don’t get with just anybody simply because you are trying to give an impression that you have moved on.
       If/when you get with someone else, make a conscious effort to not project your past emotional trauma on an innocent person. Do not damage someone else because you were hurt in the past.
         
        In all, take your time to heal and understand that it will most likely not be a straight path and you’re bound to relapse and breakdown from time to time. You must however understand that the world is not going to stop, chickens will not start flying at night, the sun will not stop shining just because your heart is broken. Life will go on, so the sooner you get it over with, the better for you. I’m saying this as someone who has let heartbreak affect her for longer than it should have in the past, DON’T. Pick yourself up and move on.

                       You don’t have to apply all of the things I suggested, select the ones you find appealing or don’t use any at all. Do what works best for you, if getting a rebound works, go for it. Everything tends to seem dark and dreary at the beginning and you start to wonder whether you will ever come out of it. I want you to know that it is possible and you can come out of it stronger. Sending love and light your way❤