PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE?? UHMM......

 
     You see, I really love twitter. Not only is it very entertaining, it’s also very educative. Whether you realize it or not, you subconsciously pick things up from there. I remember one day, I was scrolling through my TL and saw someone complaining of how annoying passive aggressive people are. I realized that wasn’t the first time I was seeing/ hearing of that phrase and so I turned to my brain to remind me of what the phrase meant. My brain stared blankly at me because well, turns out I never really knew the meaning! As I always do when I’m clueless about a topic, I turned to google to explain the meaning of this familiar strange phrase to me.

  “Passive aggressive- of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and or avoidance of direct confrontation”

       OK Google! The definition made some sense yeah but I needed further explanation and examples and so I dug deeper. After opening article after article I was like: “This is me oo”.A passive aggressive person simply put is one who would rather express their negative emotions in their actions than speak their mind. Such a person would rather fake a smile than tell you you've offended them.
       It then made A LOT of sense-my inability to express myself a lot of times, my inexplicable moodiness at times, my subtle stubbornness in carrying out tasks I didn't want to do, my deep-rooted resentment for a lot of things (and people), my random outbursts could all (for the most part) be linked to one thing i.e. my Passive aggressiveness! MIND=BLOWN

      Immediately my mood sunk. I started analyzing my life, my relationships and interactions with people and I discovered the extent of damage my passive aggressiveness had caused. I felt terrible for the times I created a negative environment for people around me due to my inability to communicate my feelings effectively. I had to dig deep into myself to find the real cause of this behavior so I could figure out how to work on it.

      In my search, I concluded that passive aggressiveness actually stems from an inability to express yourself properly. You keep all these “negative” emotions inside you, then the toxic energy builds, then it continues to grow and grow till you cannot contain it and then it releases itself by affecting your actions and environment. By “negative” emotions, I’m referring to anger, sadness, jealousy, displeasure, regret, disappointment, frustration etc. It took me a while to realize that these emotions though undesirable are very VALID emotions. There is no shame in expressing such emotions over an issue. I know it sounds quite foolish but I used to try my best to suppress them because I felt expressing them would make me look childish/immature in a way not realizing the reverse is actually the case. At other times I suppressed them in a bid to avoid conflict( I’ve come to realize that conflict is actually a good thing at times but I’ll write on that another day). There is also the fear of the vulnerability that comes with expressing yourself so at times you may just be tempted to keep it to yourself. To be honest there are times when bottling up your emotions just seems like the easier thing to do.

    When you don’t express these emotions, you grow resentful and quite bitter.Subconsciously you want to “punish” people for making you feel that way. Then you start to lash out subtly. You give the silent treatment, ignore them, grow moody all of a sudden when you’re around them, simply refuse to do what they ask you to do or simply drag it out without giving an explanation, pass subtly shady comments and so on. Again, you’d do anything to punish them because how dare they make you feel that way. Well STOP! Because when you sit down to really analyze it, you’ll realize that you are infact just being silly because most times people cannot know when they offend you until you VOICE IT OUT.
   
     What then is the solution to this “toxic behavior” you may ask? Well to me, the primary solution is learning how to communicate effectively. I had to teach myself to express displeasure at things and situations. I started taking time to process them and express them after I figured out a way to make the person understand why their action offended me. Gradually I’m progressing (yes, I’m still working on it) to expressing it as soon as the action occurs. That way, no negative energy builds, no resentment, no need to give the silent treatment, just none of that passive aggressive nonsense. Every emotion you feel is very valid. Do not be afraid of seeming silly for expressing them because it’s actually the reverse. Also don't be afraid of doing the hard work (i.e. effective dialogue) that comes with expressing yourself or afraid of the vulnerability that comes with it. Open your throat chakra and TALK, learn how to communicate effectively. It makes life so much easier, trust me! It takes the weight off your chest. Even if you get dismissed when you express them, you’re still free because you have let go of that mental burden.
   
      There’s this YouTube video I found very helpful: How to manage passive aggressive behavior by Terri Cole. It actually comes in two parts and you should watch them if you discover you’re generally a passive aggressive person or if you want to have more insight on passive aggressive behavior. There are various dimensions to passive aggressiveness and I am not a psychologist so I really cannot comment on it all. I advise you Google the topic for a better understanding of it, there are many articles online.

      Nobody is perfect but I believe part of the reasons God created us flawed is to give us work to do(on ourselves). Self-awareness is good, but it is not enough. I personally feel there is no character flaw that cannot be improved/changed if you’re willing to put in the effort to change it. Passive aggressiveness is a very “unpretty” trait to have as a person. It is not enough to simply know you have the traits, work on them! You might not display full blown passive aggressive attitude but try your best to eradicate it when it rears its head in your daily interactions. If you know any passive aggressive person, encourage them to work on it.
 
     In all, treat yourself kindly. Give yourself compassion and understanding as you work on being a better you!