Re-evaluating past connections

Just in case you have trouble viewing the above image, it says:
      “Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you how to love yourself, to make you feel better for a while or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep going and thank them for what they’ve given us”-Emery Allen
 
       For the most part, I think we as humans have been societally conditioned to romanticize the idea of “happily ever after” and so when something doesn’t lead to forever, we whine and complain, feel ashamed, get angry, bitter, pained and so on. We somehow believe that because a connection doesn’t lead to happily ever after it was a complete waste of time. I've come to realize that the fact that something doesn't last doesn't mean it was a failure. It only becomes a failure when you don’t learn anything from it.

      Over time, I’ve fostered a number of connections with people. These are both romantic and non-romantic and they’ve varied from casual encounters to deep connections, some short-lived and some still waxing strong. Each person I’ve formed a bond of any sort with has taught me something-something about myself, what I want, what I do not want, how I can be better, what to do, what not to do or something about life in general. Some of the lessons have been hard to learn and others have been thrilling. I like to self-reflect a lot and I just felt like sharing a number of things I’ve learnt:

1. You cannot love somebody fully until you learn to love yourself.
       This sounds very cliché but you simply cannot pour from an empty cup. You have to take time to know yourself and accept yourself as you are while being kind to yourself as you strive to become better.

2. Know your worth.
        This for me, goes hand in hand with loving yourself. I’ve personally always found this statement quite tiring but overtime I’ve come to realize that the more you love yourself, the more you value yourself and if you truly value yourself, you cannot let anybody treat you less. How do you expect someone to see the value in you when you don’t see it yourself? If you truly had a great sense of self-worth, you would stop letting things slide so easily, stop putting up with so much shit.
        Also never stop working on yourself so you can increase your value.

3. Know exactly what you want and do not settle.
    You are allowed to enter relationships with expectations and you should communicate these expectations with your partner. Know the key things you want and arrange in order of importance. It doesn’t matter how anybody thinks it is, don’t let society make you feel a type of way for wanting what you want.Society will not be in the relationship with you so why should they decide what you should desire in a partner? If you settle for someone who doesn’t possess the key traits you want, you will grow resentful and take it out on them subconsciously.
     However, it is very important to be realistic with your expectations. The rule of thumb for me is to ask for what I know I can offer for the most part, the lesser part consisting of aspects in which I will like to be complemented in. That way, I know for sure I’m not being too demanding. Also, I’m satisfied with a person meeting up to at 70-75% of what I want in a partner. But that’s just me anyways, it is your life so set your rules as you please. You are definitely allowed to make changes along the way because your desires in a partner are bound to change.

4. Focus on how they make you feel.
      Your partner should make you feel good about yourself, they should make you feel like the gem that you are and capitalize on your strengths. Surround yourself with people that understand you’re not perfect but yet accept you lovingly. If your mood sinks whenever you’re around them you need to re-evaluate.

5. Forget about the fantasy of love for a moment and focus on how you are being treated.
       Are you treated with decency and respect? Like a priority? Anybody that treats you badly does not deserve your presence in their life, it doesn’t matter how much love you have for them or how much they claim they love you.
       Love on it's own is not a good enough reason to stick around in situations where you are being treated less than you deserve.


6. The little things matter.
      The very tiny things like short texts during the day, exchanging mid-day selfies, sending bible verses, morning texts, frequent calls, shared activities, going to the movies, church, etc all add up. They help build intimacy.

7. The need for reassurance
      It is very important to give people reassurance from time to time on where they stand in your life. It will help calm your partner’s insecurities. It’s nice for them to be reminded from time to time that you’re still in it together.

8. Seek feedback
      It is important to check in with your partner from time to time and seek feedback on how you’re both doing as feelings change overtime. Is the relationship healthy for them?Are they happy? Do they have anything they may want to voice out? Is there anything they would like you to work on ? It’s disastrous to only wait till things get bad or there’s a big fight to find out how your partner is really feeling.
      This will really help also if you have a partner that is not very expressive, it makes them feel like you care and it can encourage them to voice out their feelings.

9. Learn how to resolve conflicts amicably.
      Don’t view your partner as your enemy during a fight because the actual enemy is the problem which you need to tackle. Avoid the use of harsh, abusive words.

10. Create a safe space for your partner
      Let them feel safe to talk to you about their problems, don’t dismiss them whenever they try to share an ordeal with you. I have noticed a number of women have this mentality that a man being vocal about his problems makes him less of a man. He should be able to complain and cry to you about whatever is bugging him.
     To the men also, don’t dismiss her problems as trivial. It does not matter how silly you think it is but if it is a big deal to her, listen attentively as she vents. If you truly care about a person, you won’t dismiss them so easily

11. Set clearly defined boundaries.
      Do not be afraid to ask “what are we”. It is YOUR time and YOUR life and you deserve to know exactly what is going on in it, except of course you genuinely just want to “go with the flow”. If you’re just friends with benefits or a side dish or a "comforter" or if you're doing something serious, let it be clearly stated. Ask the important questions let your mind be at rest. Know exactly what you’re getting yourself into and be willing to face the consequences whether positive or negative.

12. Know your love language and learn that of your partner as well.
     There are a number of online tests that help you understand and figure out what yours is. If you love someone in a language they do not understand, basically everything you do for them will be useless.

13.  Any connection that doesn’t bring you Peace of mind is not the right one for you.
     Your partner should willingly calm your irrational fears and insecurities and you should do the same for them as well. Once you start to feel crazy or do many mental calculations, re-evaluate. We need to rid ourselves of this toxic mentality that true love MUST come with dysfunction, trials, tribulations and headaches. Yeah, relationships go through trying times but for the most part they should be peaceful. You deserve peaceful and healthy love, it exists!

14. KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE.
      I can assure you that there is no award for how much shit you can tolerate but I can tell you what it will cost you- your peace of mind, confidence, sense of self-worth, happiness, motivation to carry out your regular activities. Protect yourself, if you truly love yourself, you will walk away from situations that are detrimental to your well-being.

       I’ll stop there for now. I really want people in general to become more appreciative of those who have passed through their lives. Not everybody is meant to stay forever and some people are only meant to teach you some lessons and until you learn them, you’ll continue to make the same mistakes.  Irrespective of how bad (or good) things are/ended between you, learn to reflect and pick out your lessons.
   
       I’d really love to know what you’ve learnt from your previous (and current) relationships, situationships, friends with  benefits arrangements, ”we almost dated” situations , “special friend” and even one-night stands. Share it in the comment section and if you’re shy, you can comment anonymously(winks). Until next time!