My Self-Confidence journey:Tips that could help build your self-confidence

   

       A while ago, I randomly came across a diary I had when I was in secondary school. Flipping through, I discovered it was a safe haven for me then, a place where I came to vent about the insecurities I battled with at that point in my life. It made me reflect on how far I have come in my self-confidence journey. On one hand, I laughed a lot seeing the type of things I used to be so bothered about then. On the other hand, I was super grateful for being able to overcome all those things that affected my confidence in myself.
   
        Now we all have out insecurities, weaknesses, inadequacies, flaws and you name it. These things on their own naturally weigh you down. I have come to realize that a significant portion of the success we achieve in various aspects of life depends on our ability to overcome them and channel them to good use. Building my self-esteem is something I have been very deliberate about in my life and I am proud of how far I have come. It’s something I feel everybody should make a conscious effort to do as they go through life. Being a deliberate process, there are certain steps I continuously take to ensure I continue building my self-confidence. I have decided to share them here as they might help someone out there who is currently struggling with their confidence level.


1. Try your best to not seek validation from other people
    Seeking validation from other people simply means seeking their approval. You need them to give you a thumbs-up before you feel good about yourself or your life. There are various ways in which we seek validation from other people. For example, a person might not believe they are beautiful till someone else tells them they are. Also, you might want to live your life a certain way but you’ll choose not to simply because you feel a certain person/some certain people will not approve of it. Another example is when because a person’s opinion of you matters to you so much, you find yourself bending backwards and discomforting yourself just to please them/make them happy. When you rely so much on validation from others, you are basically saying that their opinion of you/your life is greater than YOUR own opinion of yourself. It is very wrong and detrimental to your self-esteem. Rid yourself of this need to be acknowledged by others. I need you to understand that people’s opinions of you do not necessarily define who you are. You have to know yourself well enough and be content enough in that knowledge of yourself to not let people’s perception of you weigh you down, especially to the extent where you start bending backwards to prove yourself to them in order to gain their approval.

     I know we’re human beings and frankly it is quite difficult to be completely unbothered about what anybody thinks of you. If for example a person constantly has negative opinions about you, your first instinct is usually to try to convince them that they are wrong because somehow them validating who you are as a person makes you feel better. In doing so, you are bruising your self-esteem. If they don’t approve of you, what next? Should you now kill yourself? Ask yourself if their approval of your life and your decisions will add any money to your bank account. I chose to dwell on this because it has been my greatest battle so far and overcoming it has brought me the most progress in my self-esteem journey. External validation can be very gratifying but when you don't get it you begin to feel less of yourself. DO NOT BASE YOUR SELF-WORTH ON THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS. You have to learn to say “This is who I am and I do not need anybody to tell me that this is who I am before I believe that this is who I am”. Live your life for yourself and watch how much your confidence level will increase.

 2. Accept/work on your inadequacies.
          Like I said earlier, we all have inadequacies/insecurities/flaws/shortcomings/weaknesses. Often times we’re ashamed of them so we let them weigh us down. Other times, we’re too proud to accept them so we live in denial of their existence or we cower under the excuse of “that’s just how I am”. Some other times we’re clueless as to what to do with them so we simply ignore them. The first step in using your flaws to boost your self-esteem is to be honest enough with yourself to pinpoint them all. The next step is to accept the fact that you are indeed lacking in these areas. Afterwards, think of what you can do to improve on them, if they can be improved on at all. For the ones which cannot be improved e.g. a physical feature you consider unflattering, learn to accept them and own them. Like Tyrion Lannister said once you own your flaws,no one can use them against you.

       If there’s a certain skill I lack and lacking it makes me feel less, I make an effort to learn it. There’s this confidence that comes from saying “I used to be like that before but not anymore”. I noticed that a lot of our weaknesses become greater than strengths we initially had when we take out the time to work on them. Take it as a hidden treasure that God has given you which you need to do some refining to recover. The more you convert your weaknesses to strengths, the more confident you become. The more confident you become, the more you demand from life in general.


3. Choose your circle very carefully
         No matter how accommodating and tolerant of others we try to be, we have to recognize that not everybody is healthy for us. If you constantly feel inferior around certain people, you’re bound to have low self-esteem. If you hang around people that constantly say negative things to you which bring you down, you’re bound to have low self-esteem. Bear in mind that some people might affect you negatively on purpose and some might not realize it. Whichever it is, you might need to distance yourself from them/cut them off. If you constantly entertain negativity around you, you’re bound to start thinking less of yourself. The best way to know how close you should be to certain people is to ask yourself how they make you feel. People who make you feel good should get most of your time and the ones who make you feel like crap should get the least time or none at all.
   
 

 

    Learn how to cultivate nurturing relationships with people. If a person’s value of you doesn’t match up to your sense of self-worth, you can distance yourself so you can feel better else you will continue to wallow in low self-esteem. If you continue to maintain unhealthy connections, your self-confidence is going to be very low. Also try to hang around people who are confident themselves so their influence will rub off on you. Being intentional about the people I keep in my corner has helped me a lot and I think it’s something everybody should do for a lot of reasons, one of which is boosting the level of your self-confidence.
 



4. Don’t be a prisoner of your failures/past mistakes/rejections
       A lot of times, we like to cage ourselves in the past. We constantly remind ourselves of mistakes we may have made, things we have failed at and rejections we have gotten in the past. If you allow your past keep you in a box, you will never grow. Nothing hurts your self-confidence like marinating in rejection or brooding over mistakes. Rejection is part of life and often times for your own good. For as long as you’re human, you are bound to fail at things and make mistakes. You have to learn to let things go so that you can move on. You can’t change the past but you can control how much you let it get to you. Don’t let your past get to you to the extent that your confidence is so low, you begin to feel undeserving of good things or unwilling to go for things which you desire.

5. Don’t attach your self-confidence to material things or people
          One common mistake we tend to make as human beings (without realizing it) is to attach our self-confidence to material things such as the latest weaves, gadgets, clothes, cars, shoes, watches, etc. When we don’t have them, a lot of us subtly begin to think less of ourselves. These things are good as they can help boost your self-esteem a lot but basing majority/all of the confidence we have in material things is very unhealthy. Truth is you can never really have enough of everything in this life. A lot of people tend to go to extremes to get these material things just because they feel without them they are nothing.  At least yearly, majority of these things get updated versions and more recent editions. When people find that they can’t keep up, they begin to think less of themselves.
      Another mistake we often make is to attach our self-confidence to the people who are present in our lives. For example, a lot of people tend to think less of themselves just because they’re single or they’ve gone through a breakup or they fell out with a friend. People come and go in life and that shouldn’t make you feel less of yourself. Material things come and go as well. Your self-confidence should be based on who you are and not what you have or who is in your life. You should be able to feel whole on your own. You have to learn to be enough for yourself and base your confidence solely/majorly on yourself so you don’t feel timid without certain material possessions or people.

 

     Self-confidence is something I feel everyone should constantly work to build. As much as I hate to admit it, a low sense of self has kept me in situations I shouldn’t have been in and prevented me from going for things and opportunities I desired because I talked myself down from them. I’ve noticed that a lot of people who have good things in life actually have them because they were confident enough to believe they deserved them in the first place. Being a confident person doesn’t only help you but it helps those around you as well. A confident person is typically more pleasant to hang around, inspirational, easier to talk to, a better friend/partner, uplifting and less likely to bring others down with negativity amongst other things. A healthy confidence level spurs you to go after things you want/deserve, helps you make better decisions, makes you become as close to the best version of yourself as possible and makes it easier for you leave situations that don’t serve you.

        The key to changing your life situation for the better might just be a healthy dose of self-confidence so please attempt to bring your confidence in yourself and your abilities to the highest level possible. If you have more suggestions on how one can build their self-confidence, feel free to comment below. Have a nice day!