FRIENDS, SISTERS, AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN

Hi, this was written by my friend Ehiane about nurturing friendships Enjoy!

       We do not get to choose our family, but we have a say when it comes to choosing our friends. Friendship, to me is one of the best relationships there is, and this is probably why I have a lot of friends. I have friends older than me, friends younger than me, and friends in my age group. Boyfriends come and go, but friends are always going to be there. I am very intentional about my friendships and maintaining friendships for me, is a huge deal. There are people that say, “we do not have to talk every time, we can go three years without speaking but we are still friends.” Are you sure sis? To me, if you have a friend that you have not spoken to in three years, you guys are acquaintances at best. Friendship is a constant and very deliberate act of being there for each other.

       Anyone who knows me knows that I invest a lot in my friendships and my friends mean the world to me. Someone that once liked me told me if I liked him as much I liked my friends, he would be very happy. *spoiler alert*: I did not. I have been told a couple of times that I “carry my friends on my head.” which basically means I take my friendships seriously. This is true because my friends also do not play when it comes to me. I cannot count how many times my friends have come through for me, they are such troopers. I graduated college recently and before graduation, I started reminiscing and I was so appreciative of my friends. I met most of my college friends the very first week of my freshman year and it is crazy how we are all still friends. We had so many fun and crazy moments in college. My sister was at my graduation and she told me later, “you have a lot of friends and it is so beautiful to watch how you all relate with each other.” She talked about how my wedding, if I have one (I plan to elope but that’s neither here nor there) is going to be so much fun because I keep in close contact with my childhood, high school, and now college friends.


       Anyway, since I consider myself a fount of wisdom, I decided to write about some rules that have guided my friendships. Have fun reading!

1. SET BOUNDARIES- In friendships, as with every other relationship, setting boundaries is important. It is good to know the dynamics of your friendships so you can properly set boundaries. Communicate your boundaries clearly so no one ends up disrespecting or hurting the other person unintentionally. There are some of my friends I insult a lot because that is just how we show love to each other (hello Zairah and Tseyi!). There are other friends I would never casually insult because I know that it is not their thing. It is important to respect your friends and love them the way they want to be loved. It is also important that your friends respect your boundaries. My friends understand that I am not a huge sharer and I will not talk about something bothering me until I literally cannot handle it anymore and they respect that. They never force me to talk until I am ready. I had a low moment this and my friends were there to support me even though most of them did not know what was going on. They just knew I was sad, and they were there. Also, respect the fact that your friends might want to handle their issues differently from how you would handle yours. A few years ago, my friend was having issues with her then boyfriend and when she told me about it, I reached out to the boy to tell him about himself. My friend found out and was mad at me. I was confused because I genuinely thought I was helping her out. After that, I learned to respect her boundaries and allow her fix her issues the way she wants to. She ended the relationship with him a few months later when she was ready and not when I wanted her to. Now, when my friends come to talk to me about stuff, I ask them what they want from me. “Do you need me to tell you how to solve this? Or do you need me to just listen to you?” And I always respect their choice.

2. RESPECT YOUR FRIENDS- Always respect your friends. Respect your friends even when fighting with them. This is a very important thing because a lot of people do not know how to argue without hurting the other person. My friend, Tope once said, “be kind even when you are angry” and that has stuck with me. Fights are normal and I have fought with my friends before. When fighting with your friends, it is important to realize that this person is not your enemy and this fight will be over soon. Do not use words you cannot take back just because you want to hurt the other person deeply. The fight will be over, but your friend might never forget the things you said in that moment. I am not a confrontational person. I am the type of person to cry after an in-person argument because I did not express myself well enough. I would rather fight over text because I express myself better when writing. My friend and I had an argument a few months ago over a trivial issue and I realized months later, that the only reason I was still mad was because I felt they shouted at me when, they just preferred confronting issues in person. Respecting your friends also involves being honest with them and correcting them lovingly when they are acting a fool. Let them know when men are taking them fi eediat and they are too deep in love to notice it. My friend was once in a toxic relationship and my only regret was not speaking up immediately I saw the signs. Instead, I removed myself from the situation and it caused a bump in our friendship because they felt I should have been a better friend by telling them that their partner gave me bad vibes. I learned my lesson and now, I will be the first to talk when I notice something off because it is not my friend anyone will use to play table tennis. Respecting your friends includes respecting their partners and their relationships even if you do not really like said partner. This also means understanding that when they are in a new relationship, you might not see them as often as you would like to because there is this new person in their life.


3.FORGIVE YOUR FRIENDS- I have noticed that we are usually kinder to the men in our lives than we are to our friends. Sometimes, men treat us like shit, and we forgive them but when our friends take our mascara, we immediately want to cut them off. We honestly need to start extending the same grace we give to men to our friends. Forgive your friends when they do something wrong and have apologized genuinely for it. Friendship is a continuous learning experience. You learn about your friends likes and dislikes every day. Do not be passive aggressive. Talk about issues as soon as they occur instead of holding things in. Trying to “let things go” when you are letting it fester does no one any good. Cutting off a friend should be the last resort. This of course, does not apply to toxic friendships.


4. REMEMBER THE LITTLE THINGS- It goes without saying that it is usually the little things that mean the world to people. You do not have to be extravagant to show your friends you love them. Sometimes, it is that thoughtful “hey I have not heard from you in a minute, whatʼs up?” text, or the random phone call that ends up lasting 3 hours(hello Andrea and Hamidah!), or the prayers when you know they are going through a difficult time(hello Abigail and Ehinomen), or being on the phone with them while they rant about relationships(hello to ALL my friends lol), or even just to remind them that they are that bitch when they forget. A while back, one of my friends had to have a minor surgery and immediately my friend group heard, we dropped everything we were doing and went to the hospital to be with her. It was such a beautiful moment. One of my favorite college experiences was one random Friday night. I did not want to go out that night, so I called my friend Folake to let her know I had wine. 10 minutes later, Folake was outside my building with popcorn and after seeing a movie, we ended up going to our other friend’s house to dance to songs from The Greatest Showman and get wine drunk. Moments like that mean the world to me.

5.KNOW YOUR FRIENDS STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES- We are humans. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I know what friend to go to when I am dealing with an issue because for starters, it is not good to dump all your issues on one friend and secondly, some friends are just better suited at handling some issues than others. Most of my friends know that I am not the one to talk to about boy related issues because, before they have said one word, I have already told them 10 times “break up with that boy and block him everywhere.” I am getting better now, and I listen to them. I also expect my friends to read my mind and know when they annoy me. When I asked one of my best friends, Tracy, to tell me my weakness, she said “Once you have made up your mind to do something or not do something, that's it. All your friends can tell you that it will be better if you do something a certain way and you will tell us ‘yeah I get why you would say that but I'm staying put.’” I asked some other friends about my strengths and they said that I am the friend that is always there for them. They said that I am a good listener and I know how to process information which makes it easy for them to talk to me. They said they trust me to think critically before giving advice and that I am quite good at constructive criticism. They also know that when there is a big moment in their life, I am usually behind the scenes planning and making sure they have a good time. Even with our social lives, I understand that there are some of my friends that love clubbing and there are others that love fine dining. Personally, I do not like leaving my bed but, understanding that we are all different makes creating that balance easier.


6.MATCH ENERGIES- Finally, do not just be a taker. Nobody likes people that just take and take. Make sure you are putting in as much effort as your friends put into the friendship. Match their energies. Also, it is good to know when to stop being a friend. There are certain things you should expect from your friends. You should expect your friends to respect you, to treat you well etc. and if you are not getting the bare minimum, it is time to leave. Friendship is not a do or die affair. Understand that your friends have other friends and they also have their own lives to live. Most times, we are so consumed in our own issues and we fail to see that our friends are going through stuff too. Do not be that friend that makes everything about themselves. Sometimes, just chill and listen to your friend when they talk about something bothering them.
In conclusion, friendship is a very beautiful thing and I hope we all get to experience real and true friendships. To all my friends reading this, thank you for being you and I am glad that I have been able to scam you all into being forever friends with me. -Ehiane