Utilising the big scissors

   

       I initially wanted to title this post “How to know when a person is toxic for you” but after putting some thought to it, I decided otherwise because I realized “Toxic” is quite a strong word. We tend to just throw it around without realizing the gravity of it.
Toxic- Extremely harsh,malicious or harmful-Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Let’s just say in life, you’re bound to come across and form connections with people that don’t give you "good vibes". The fact that they don't give you "good vibes" is enough to distance yourself from them and if their presence in your life is detrimental to the extent that it's "toxic" you can cut them off completely. Mind you this doesn't necessarily make them bad people, it just means they're not good for YOU.

   

       Navigating my way through life all these years, I’ve come across some people I’ve had to let go of and there are people that have had to let go of me as well. There are people out there that I might even have been unknowingly “toxic” to at some point. It’s just the cycle of life really. I respect people who have had to distance themselves from me because I do the same as well.
   

       I used to be the kind of person that would hold on no matter what and keep on managing situations and people. As I’ve grown, I’ve learnt to take charge of my life and in doing so I’ve come to realize that I actually have power over who I allow in and who I show the way out. I’ve learnt that not everybody that comes into your life is meant to stay, you actually have to let some people go for your own good/well-being. There are people that you find yourself constantly struggling to have peace with and instead of killing yourself, striving to maintain a connection that is detrimental to you, why not let them go?

   

       Having said all that, I want to share some things that you should consider when analyzing your relationships with people so you can figure out whether to let them go or continue nurturing the connection. Mind you these tips apply to people in general i.e friends, lovers/partners, acquaintances. Anyways, they are as follows:

1. How do they make you feel?
        My relationships with people took a whole different turn when I decided to focus primarily on how they make me feel. It’s one of the best ways to discern if a person is good for you or not. When I say relationships, I don’t mean romantic per se, I’m simply referring to connections that we form with people in general.
     
        I try my best to surround myself with people that make me feel good about myself, bring me peace and make me feel secure. Distance yourself from people that constantly trigger negative emotions/feelings such as anger, bitterness, stupidity, ineptitude, inadequacy, jealousy, etc in you. If you find yourself constantly arguing, hurling insults, bickering, fighting, whenever you’re around a person, that person is not good for you. If you find that there is this tight feeling you get across your chest whenever you’re around certain people you may need to distance yourself.
   
        Evaluate your connections with people and find out the side they bring out in you. If you find out that your nasty side comes out more often whenever you’re around certain people you need to distance yourself from them.


2. Pay attention to their language
     How do they talk to you? Are they verbally abusive? Do they call you names? Do they constantly tell you things that bring you down? Do they spread rumors about you? Do they constantly tell you, you can’t do anything right? Do they constantly use degrading language either to you or behind your back?
 
       If for example someone continuously tells you how worthless you are, it could get to a point where you actually start to believe them and that’s going to affect your life way more than you can think of. Surround yourself with people that speak positive things into your life. Words are really powerful and have a great impact on the way you function as a person.

      You shouldn’t hang around people that constantly bring you down with their words either intentionally or not. I’ve come to realize that some people actually don’t know that the things they say are hurtful but if you’ve pointed it out a number of times and they still don’t change, distance yourself.
     
3. Are they physically/emotionally abusive?
        This should be a no-brainer but I’ve seen people continually hang on to people that harm them physically. You can literally end up dead from physical abuse. You need to muster some strength and CUT THEM OFF. Protect yourself.
 
        Emotional abuse on the other hand is harder to identify and thus easily overlooked. It leaves no physical evidence, its effect is majorly mental but is also dangerous. It can have a really negative impact on your self-esteem and self-worth. It could take the form of verbal abuse, threats, criticisms, lies, manipulation, they could withhold affection from you, they could make you feel guilty/responsible for their wrong actions, you can find yourself constantly apologizing even when you’re not wrong, they could yell at you all the time, come to you only when they want something hence leave you feeling used, try to isolate you from your friends/ loved ones, always try to control your movement and a host of other things. You should value your mental health and cherish yourself enough to walk away from people who do this kind of things to you. You will never have peace if you continue to hang around for whatever reason.
     
4. Do they simply just stress you?
         At times, interacting with certain people just brings your stress, stress, stress. I cherish my peace of mind over anything else in this life and whenever I see that my interactions with you bring me stress most of the time, I simply distance myself from you. No time!

          I’ll stop there for now but I’ll like to add that before you decide to cut someone off, try communicating with them. Tell them of their behavior and give them some time to improve because in all honesty we’re humans and at times we don’t realize when we’re being hurtful to others. If, however they don’t change to your satisfaction, you can decide to either distance yourself/ cut them off completely. Keep in mind that the best form of apology is changed behavior and if a person continuously apologizes but doesn’t set out to actually change, you need to re-evaluate the connection.
     

    Also, you can start distancing yourself gradually. Spend some time away from them and see how different life is without them, compare and contrast. Where do you have more peace? With or without them? You don't have to make a big scene/hurl insults at people when you choose to distance yourself. Just silently walk away and wish them well from afar.
     

      There is a lot of wisdom in ridding your life of connections that aren’t favorable to your well-being. You'll have more peace and honestly peace of mind surpasses everything else. Protecting your peace is an essential life skill. Don’t let people guilt trip you into maintaining connections you do not want to. Stop tolerating so much nonsense from people. Whatever it is you think you’re gaining from them is most likely not worth the mental torture an unhealthy connection will cause you. Put yourself first and only maintain healthy relationships with people who respect you and treat you right. Stop managing people and situations. If somebody stresses you constantly, take the bold step to either distance yourself or *snip, snip snip* with your scissors!
     
       Love and light💖