"I am not a feminist but I believe in equal rights" and other stories
We’ve all heard some variation of the above statement. While I have always believed women should have equal rights, I didn’t always want the feminist label. Why didn’t I want the feminist label you may ask? Well there’s a negative connotation surrounding the term “Feminist” and I didn’t want to be identified as such. People see feminists as bitter, angry, men haters who just want to dominate the world and make all men kiss their feet and I didn’t want to be identified as such.
Fast forward to 2014 when Beyoncé released Flawless ft Chimamanda Adichie. I was jamming to the song like any other person and then a snippet of CNA’s TEDx talk came up in which she defined Feminist as:
"Feminist- A person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes”
So simple, right? It was at that point I realized that I had never bothered to find out what feminism meant on my own. That was the first time I was hearing an actual definition of the term so I took it upon myself to research further and truly understand the meaning of the movement. Therefore, I searched for the full TEDx talk titled “we should all be feminists” on YouTube(which everyone should watch) , googled the meaning as well so I could have a better understanding. It then became clear to me that the movement was largely misconstrued and in actual sense the movement is harmless. Overtime, I picked up the label and rocked it like a badge.
Feminists are not men haters, there’s a term for people that hate men and that’s called MISANDRY. What exactly do feminists want then you may ask? I’ll tell you some of our desires:
1. We want equal rights and opportunities like men. We do not want to be told that we can’t do certain things because we are women. Women have generally been disadvantaged from the beginning of time. Women were not allowed to vote during elections in the greater parts of the world up until the 19th century. Heck, women were only granted the rights to vote in the Saudi Arabia 2015 municipal elections in 2011. In the same Saudi Arabia, women were only allowed to drive in September, 2017. The Nigerian House of Reps has only about 22 female members out of 360 while the Senate has 7 out of 109. According to UNESCO only 66 percent of countries have reached gender parity in access to elementary education. Does this all seem fair to you? Is it right for a human being to be automatically disadvantaged because of their gender? Who are the people that have been fighting to even the field- FEMINISTS
2. Feminists want women to have the freedom to choose to live their lives however they please. Most women tend to live their lives as if they’re auditioning for the role of a wife. Even when women aspire to do other things, we are expected to place marriage above all. Any other thing you want to do in this life is expected to come secondary to maintaining a home.
We need people to stop marrying off underaged girls to older men as practiced in the North. Women should be allowed to choose whether they want to marry or not and when and how they should marry if they want to. Society needs to stop reducing all of a woman’s accomplishments down to whether she has a man by her side or not.
3. Feminists want women to have full autonomy over their bodies. Right from birth, people ingrain it in your mind that your body somehow belongs to whichever man you end up marrying. Women are constantly policed when it comes to their clothing, sex lives, romantic choices but men aren’t. Churches keep preaching about how the best gift a woman can give her husband is her virginity but they don’t tell the men the same and it makes me wonder who the men are expected to sleep with if all women choose to “gift” their husbands their virginity. If a woman is sexually liberated she is slut-shamed and called a whore but when a man does same, he’s applauded.
Stop with the double standards! Women are not property, we are whole individuals. We belong to ourselves first before anyone else.
4. Feminists want men to take more responsibility for their actions. If a woman is raped, she is called names, told she deserved it because she wasn’t “dressed properly” or was inebriated. This is very wrong as the shame for rape should be on the perpetuators are not the victims. If a man starts sleeping with the domestic help, everyone blames the help for seducing him, the wife for not being around more often to kiss his feet on a daily basis, the wife’s mother for not raising her daughter to be a good wife, every other person but the man himself!
If a man makes wrong life choices, everybody blames his wife/ girlfriend. If a man starts stealing, people will blame his “materialistic” girlfriend for pushing him to do it with her demands but few people if any at all will blame the man for being greedy and lazy. Women are automatically expected to do domestic and emotional labor for men. We are expected to bring him closer to God, push him to be better, motivate him, pamper him because “men are babies”, be his therapist, financial advisor, emotional pillar. We are constantly told things like “behind every successful man is a praying wife”. These expectations would not be bad if they’re reciprocated but we all know that doesn’t happen often.
People act like men weren’t born with brains to think for themselves, like they’re just helpless creatures and we all know this isn't true. Women do not mature faster than men, society only gives men more allowance to live their lives callously. Men should be held accountable for their actions.
5. People often ask why feminists don’t focus on ending Female Genital Mutilation (of which we do) but rather debate gender roles. It’s funny because
You have no right to tell oppressed people what they should be oppressed about
If you really cared about FGM, you would champion the cause yourself.
Today’s woman is expected to contribute financially to the home, cook, clean, take care of the kids, be the family’s economist, spiritual pillar and above all acknowledge that her husband is Lord and King. Many men till date don’t allow their wives employ domestic help so she’s automatically burdened with running the home. God forbid if a woman starts earning more than her husband and asks him to help out with the domestic work, people will classify her as rude and proud, tell her she has “forgotten her place”.
If you want women to partake in traditionally male roles i.e. Contribute financially, men should partake in traditionally feminine roles as well i.e. domestic work. The knowledge of cooking and cleaning does not come preinstalled in a vagina. It is a learned skill and it is unfair for the burden to be placed on one gender.
Women get tired and spent out because society expects them to be “super woman”. These gender roles are as important as FGM. I don’t see any reason why we can’t tackle both at the same time. If you want more gender parity, it is only logical to start from the roots in which women are marginalized i.e the home.
6. Feminists want a society where men can be free to express their emotions. Men should be allowed to cry and pour out their burdens without being seen as weak and unmanly. Society puts so much pressure on men from a young age, they’re expected to always have their shit together and it’s really unfair. We’re really just trying to lift that burden from your shoulders so you don’t have to keep all those emotions suppressed. My broda, if e ova you cry out abeg.
7. I hear women complain of how they don’t support feminism because they believe a man should be the sole/ major financial provider in the home. What people don’t get is that feminism doesn’t stop a man from being the sole provider in as much as it gives allowance for women to become the sole providers. Marriages should be partnerships and not slave-master arrangements. People should play by their strengths without being shamed for it provided these strengths aren’t forcefully imposed on them on the basis of their gender.
Feminism doesn’t stop you from wanting a man to pay for your dates or drag your generator for you or do heavy lifting from you around the house. Again, play by your strengths. It only makes sense that who earns more should spend more, who is stronger should do the heavy work. Besides if women are given the luxury of attaining whatever professional and financial heights they require without being solely burdened with the responsibility of taking care of the home, they would earn more and thus contribute more financially.
I also want to quickly add that feminism doesn’t in any way stop you from cooking and cleaning. If you really enjoy it, fine, go ahead. All feminists are saying is that women should not be forced to carry out domestic chores for the sole reason that they are women as some women genuinely hate them.
8. People often ask questions like why don’t feminists fight for Gender Equity (whatever that means) or why we don’t find for equal rights for all humans. To this category of people, I have one question: Why does the term EQUALITY pinch your body so much?
Feminists DO NOT hate men, feminists DO NOT want to be men. The fact that some feminists often tend to come off as bitter and angry does not in any way invalidate the oppression and double standards women face daily. There is no harm in identifying with the term feminist because when you think about it critically, you will discover that our demands are really not that radical. Every movement will always have extremists. Will you say that black people don’t deserve to have equal rights and opportunities as white people simply because a number of black people are bad? If not, why do you say the same for women or do you just hate women?
I’ll stop there for now but I want to outline 3 main things for you:
I. Feminists want equal rights and opportunities for women across the board.
II. The fact that some feminists come across as bitter and radical does not in any way invalidate the movement.
III. I’m a proud feminist.
Shalom!
Fast forward to 2014 when Beyoncé released Flawless ft Chimamanda Adichie. I was jamming to the song like any other person and then a snippet of CNA’s TEDx talk came up in which she defined Feminist as:
"Feminist- A person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes”
So simple, right? It was at that point I realized that I had never bothered to find out what feminism meant on my own. That was the first time I was hearing an actual definition of the term so I took it upon myself to research further and truly understand the meaning of the movement. Therefore, I searched for the full TEDx talk titled “we should all be feminists” on YouTube(which everyone should watch) , googled the meaning as well so I could have a better understanding. It then became clear to me that the movement was largely misconstrued and in actual sense the movement is harmless. Overtime, I picked up the label and rocked it like a badge.
Feminists are not men haters, there’s a term for people that hate men and that’s called MISANDRY. What exactly do feminists want then you may ask? I’ll tell you some of our desires:
1. We want equal rights and opportunities like men. We do not want to be told that we can’t do certain things because we are women. Women have generally been disadvantaged from the beginning of time. Women were not allowed to vote during elections in the greater parts of the world up until the 19th century. Heck, women were only granted the rights to vote in the Saudi Arabia 2015 municipal elections in 2011. In the same Saudi Arabia, women were only allowed to drive in September, 2017. The Nigerian House of Reps has only about 22 female members out of 360 while the Senate has 7 out of 109. According to UNESCO only 66 percent of countries have reached gender parity in access to elementary education. Does this all seem fair to you? Is it right for a human being to be automatically disadvantaged because of their gender? Who are the people that have been fighting to even the field- FEMINISTS
2. Feminists want women to have the freedom to choose to live their lives however they please. Most women tend to live their lives as if they’re auditioning for the role of a wife. Even when women aspire to do other things, we are expected to place marriage above all. Any other thing you want to do in this life is expected to come secondary to maintaining a home.
We need people to stop marrying off underaged girls to older men as practiced in the North. Women should be allowed to choose whether they want to marry or not and when and how they should marry if they want to. Society needs to stop reducing all of a woman’s accomplishments down to whether she has a man by her side or not.
3. Feminists want women to have full autonomy over their bodies. Right from birth, people ingrain it in your mind that your body somehow belongs to whichever man you end up marrying. Women are constantly policed when it comes to their clothing, sex lives, romantic choices but men aren’t. Churches keep preaching about how the best gift a woman can give her husband is her virginity but they don’t tell the men the same and it makes me wonder who the men are expected to sleep with if all women choose to “gift” their husbands their virginity. If a woman is sexually liberated she is slut-shamed and called a whore but when a man does same, he’s applauded.
Stop with the double standards! Women are not property, we are whole individuals. We belong to ourselves first before anyone else.
4. Feminists want men to take more responsibility for their actions. If a woman is raped, she is called names, told she deserved it because she wasn’t “dressed properly” or was inebriated. This is very wrong as the shame for rape should be on the perpetuators are not the victims. If a man starts sleeping with the domestic help, everyone blames the help for seducing him, the wife for not being around more often to kiss his feet on a daily basis, the wife’s mother for not raising her daughter to be a good wife, every other person but the man himself!
If a man makes wrong life choices, everybody blames his wife/ girlfriend. If a man starts stealing, people will blame his “materialistic” girlfriend for pushing him to do it with her demands but few people if any at all will blame the man for being greedy and lazy. Women are automatically expected to do domestic and emotional labor for men. We are expected to bring him closer to God, push him to be better, motivate him, pamper him because “men are babies”, be his therapist, financial advisor, emotional pillar. We are constantly told things like “behind every successful man is a praying wife”. These expectations would not be bad if they’re reciprocated but we all know that doesn’t happen often.
People act like men weren’t born with brains to think for themselves, like they’re just helpless creatures and we all know this isn't true. Women do not mature faster than men, society only gives men more allowance to live their lives callously. Men should be held accountable for their actions.
5. People often ask why feminists don’t focus on ending Female Genital Mutilation (of which we do) but rather debate gender roles. It’s funny because
You have no right to tell oppressed people what they should be oppressed about
If you really cared about FGM, you would champion the cause yourself.
Today’s woman is expected to contribute financially to the home, cook, clean, take care of the kids, be the family’s economist, spiritual pillar and above all acknowledge that her husband is Lord and King. Many men till date don’t allow their wives employ domestic help so she’s automatically burdened with running the home. God forbid if a woman starts earning more than her husband and asks him to help out with the domestic work, people will classify her as rude and proud, tell her she has “forgotten her place”.
If you want women to partake in traditionally male roles i.e. Contribute financially, men should partake in traditionally feminine roles as well i.e. domestic work. The knowledge of cooking and cleaning does not come preinstalled in a vagina. It is a learned skill and it is unfair for the burden to be placed on one gender.
Women get tired and spent out because society expects them to be “super woman”. These gender roles are as important as FGM. I don’t see any reason why we can’t tackle both at the same time. If you want more gender parity, it is only logical to start from the roots in which women are marginalized i.e the home.
6. Feminists want a society where men can be free to express their emotions. Men should be allowed to cry and pour out their burdens without being seen as weak and unmanly. Society puts so much pressure on men from a young age, they’re expected to always have their shit together and it’s really unfair. We’re really just trying to lift that burden from your shoulders so you don’t have to keep all those emotions suppressed. My broda, if e ova you cry out abeg.
7. I hear women complain of how they don’t support feminism because they believe a man should be the sole/ major financial provider in the home. What people don’t get is that feminism doesn’t stop a man from being the sole provider in as much as it gives allowance for women to become the sole providers. Marriages should be partnerships and not slave-master arrangements. People should play by their strengths without being shamed for it provided these strengths aren’t forcefully imposed on them on the basis of their gender.
Feminism doesn’t stop you from wanting a man to pay for your dates or drag your generator for you or do heavy lifting from you around the house. Again, play by your strengths. It only makes sense that who earns more should spend more, who is stronger should do the heavy work. Besides if women are given the luxury of attaining whatever professional and financial heights they require without being solely burdened with the responsibility of taking care of the home, they would earn more and thus contribute more financially.
I also want to quickly add that feminism doesn’t in any way stop you from cooking and cleaning. If you really enjoy it, fine, go ahead. All feminists are saying is that women should not be forced to carry out domestic chores for the sole reason that they are women as some women genuinely hate them.
8. People often ask questions like why don’t feminists fight for Gender Equity (whatever that means) or why we don’t find for equal rights for all humans. To this category of people, I have one question: Why does the term EQUALITY pinch your body so much?
Feminists DO NOT hate men, feminists DO NOT want to be men. The fact that some feminists often tend to come off as bitter and angry does not in any way invalidate the oppression and double standards women face daily. There is no harm in identifying with the term feminist because when you think about it critically, you will discover that our demands are really not that radical. Every movement will always have extremists. Will you say that black people don’t deserve to have equal rights and opportunities as white people simply because a number of black people are bad? If not, why do you say the same for women or do you just hate women?
I’ll stop there for now but I want to outline 3 main things for you:
I. Feminists want equal rights and opportunities for women across the board.
II. The fact that some feminists come across as bitter and radical does not in any way invalidate the movement.
III. I’m a proud feminist.
Shalom!
Hehehehe.. but there cannot be equal rights across the board na. By gender there are already limitations. Ya all ain't comfortable being the neck anymore . Ya all wanna be the head now..
ReplyDeleteI can relate so much with deliberating on wearing the title "feminist".
ReplyDeleteThere's so much societal pressure on both sexes. Men are forced to act like "men". Women are made to be "women".
The past generation may not have gotten it right but our generation can, by correcting the anomalies of gender roles.
Concerning extremists, they may have had bitter experiences in the past, making them wear feminism as a veil for misandry and may not completely understand the movement. It's sad that some men get to meet them and conclude based on that sole encounter.
Taking a closer look at certain areas like "let the stronger one do the heavy work" is actually, equity. I think we need equity as much as we do equality. Equity gives equality a fighting chance.
I agree with you Keziah but one thing I don't think I can ever understand is "Gender equity and I don't see how letting the stronger person do the heavy lifting translates to equity
DeleteTo clarify my statement, I'd use a random example where spare tyres are equal rights.
DeleteOne wouldn't say because spares tyres are equal rights, everyone knows how to change a flat tyre.
Equity allows any individual, whether female or male, help out with changing that tyre as long as s/he knows how to do it.
Equity centers on needs, abilities and fairness.
Equality centers on equal rights. This example covers both.
Equality, yes! Just saying for me that equity "may" somehow be at the background of equality.
Fair enough then. It seems to me that both of them from your explanation center around the same thing so therefore they do not have to be mutually exclusive. We don't have to pick one over the other.
DeleteWhy does anyone have to be the head or neck?
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I would never understand why people claim they’re not feminists. Imagine hating your own gender, could never relate. I hope sometime in the future, feminism is so mainstream that saying one is not a feminist will be weird.
ReplyDeleteLike! Me too. It might take a while, possibly not in our generation but feminism will eventually become wide accepted. These revolutions take time. We just have to try our best now.
DeleteCouldn't have been said better. Great writing. Very informative too. Keep up Nono!
ReplyDeleteThanks Fumnaya
Delete